This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: October 4, 2019
September 28
the harp was probably invented when some dude was just trying to shoot a bow and arrow but he misfired and ended up plucking at an empty bowstring then his friend was like wait run that shit back
— jabookie (@jaboukie) September 28, 2019
Nobody knows the gender of the whistleblower. At times like this everyone miraculously knows how to use the singular "they".
— Iván Brandon (@IvanBrandon) September 28, 2019
This is the only good gender reveal https://t.co/TlEi6BXDMB
— Katelyn Boo-urns (@transscribe) September 28, 2019
sometimes twitter is extremely good pic.twitter.com/9JBbpK5lGf
— Scare-ricaJoy (@EricaJoy) September 29, 2019
I inject heroin into my arm that's scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I'm on in five minutes. Let's rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
— john is toast (@johnistoasted) September 28, 2019
Me interpretive dancing to movie company intros pic.twitter.com/gspRxa3Nym
— Kelsey Ellison ⚡️Spooky Scary Skellison (@KelseyEllison) September 28, 2019
you don't need to march bro you're literally the fucking guy in charge https://t.co/HqFZqwV976
— nathan thanki (@n_thanki) September 29, 2019
Who would have ever thought that a pathologically dishonest, egomaniacal, trust fund baby with 6 bankruptcies, a fake tan, a horrific combover, a long history of racism and a sexual fixation on his daughter would be a bad President?
— John Henson (@John_Henson) September 28, 2019
a spoon? pic.twitter.com/llsiVt1tpb
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) September 28, 2019
September 29
Ok I'll see the Irishman now. pic.twitter.com/WCitzk4KQc
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 29, 2019
food mascots and whether or not I'd be able to kick their ass pic.twitter.com/hKOx8vjHnd
— ℳatt (@matttomic) September 29, 2019
why has nobody stopped them pic.twitter.com/mk30Mybu2e
— junior paranormal investigator (@KrangTNelson) September 30, 2019
You misspelled "Fraud."#GoForceYourself https://t.co/ORY6eeyGgj
— Mark Hamill (@HamillHimself) September 29, 2019
My Son asked me what Year I was born. I said 1974. He asked if I was a Slave. 🙄
— 👑✨👑MAMBO KING 👑✨👑 GoBlue 3-1〽️Hawks 4-1🦅 (@WaveSinatra) September 29, 2019
Fuck these kids 😂
Or if we follow u on twitter https://t.co/Vdiu9KPcyK
— Spank Horton (@SpankHorton) September 30, 2019
We're the dumbest country on earth https://t.co/r1w30oChzc
— Mike Drucker ⇄ NYCC (@MikeDrucker) September 29, 2019
Block or charge?🏀🤷♂️🥁😳💥🤭 pic.twitter.com/HhOOMEyfIW
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) September 29, 2019
my son just told me that i have a "fixed mindset" and he has a "growth mindset" so he's banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
— ⭐L A W C O P⭐ (@allahliker) September 29, 2019
A truly incredible baby boomer move was deciding that all rock music by bands they like is "classic" no matter when it was made or whether it's good.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 30, 2019
September 30
That's good news for Halloween! https://t.co/FNZasB05bF
— mark normand (@marknorm) September 30, 2019
First joke I ever did on Late Night.
— Joe List (@JoeListComedy) September 30, 2019
Letterman - 2014
Sorry about that tie.
I hate myself. pic.twitter.com/5CxAp0Cz5z
Before coffee: I want to die
— Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) September 30, 2019
After coffee: Alright! Let's buy the rope
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he's just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) September 30, 2019
The first article of impeachment right here. https://t.co/ihBmxSoiug
— Zach O'Lantern (@zachheltzel) October 1, 2019
girl this the verizon coverage map https://t.co/hf7lqCZ0f0
— han JINSOUL BLACK HAIR (@lalisasouls) September 30, 2019
remember in 2016 when Kate McKinnon played Hillary Clinton on SNL and then after the loss, she did a cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" in a pantsuit on a giant grand piano? that has to be one of the most baffling moments of TV in history, I mean, even that sentence is surreal
— the thicc husband (@lukeisamazing) September 30, 2019
Turn your sound on, I promise you won't regret it! pic.twitter.com/pb648tvyiK
— Awwwww (@AwwwwCats) September 30, 2019
October 1
Sometimes Trump is so evil you forget he's dumb and sometimes he's so dumb you forget he's evil, but sometimes he's both in equal measure and it's a wonder to behold https://t.co/5s11QnLSnk
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) October 1, 2019
Yes, I am famously under-scrutinized. https://t.co/OtvP8nYwoK
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) October 1, 2019
cannot believe I just FOIA'd this pic.twitter.com/tu3TLJhHJT
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) October 1, 2019
dads be like "go help ur mother" bro go help ur wife
— gunass (@OBLOMOVITE) October 1, 2019
What if JOKER was never released. Like it just kept coming out "next Friday" but never arrived and we had to keep doing this for years.
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) October 2, 2019
This millionaire filmmaker with the world at his feet has turned his back on comedy because "paging Dr. Faggot" no longer bowls them over, but please remember that it is YOU who is being overly sensitive. https://t.co/N2OzEq7p4I
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) October 1, 2019
Very sad to hear that comedy doesn't work anymore. My condolences to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Kumail Nanjiani, Tiffany Haddish, Jim Gaffigan, Tyler Perry, Melissa McCarthy, John Mulaney, Ali Wong, Nathan Fielder, Issa Rae, John Oliver, Awkwafina, Hannah Gadsby, Adam Sandler, Taika W https://t.co/nUNjOuGpbH
— Melissa Hunter (@melissaFTW) October 1, 2019
Imagine an e-mail finding you well
— Marc (@MarcSnetiker) October 1, 2019
October 2
Lol he funny. https://t.co/bvTVCutqEJ
— Taika Waititi (@TaikaWaititi) October 2, 2019
My therapist: "Let's unpack that."
— 𝔥𝔞𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔭𝔦𝔵𝔦𝔢 𝔡𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔪 𝔤𝔥𝔬𝔲𝔩 (@mathewrodriguez) October 2, 2019
Me: pic.twitter.com/YEaPNDKI9U
i just want to note that they attacked obama with racism, smeared his wife and kids, demanded his birth certificate, questioned his faith, and not once did obama stoop to the level of screaming expletives and accusing the opposition of treason. not once. not a single day in 8 yrs
— Oliver Willis (@owillis) October 2, 2019
If Bernie doesn't win here's how the debates will go:
— Stavros Halkias (@stavvybaby) October 2, 2019
1)Trump calls Biden "gay old joe" & Biden says "cut the malarkey" while his nose starts bleeding
2)Warren describes a detailed policy proposal but Trump interrupts to do the hand over mouth "woo woo woo" racist Indian noise
tfw ur about to speak french on tv pic.twitter.com/lemIqQoE3D
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) October 2, 2019
Hard to figure out who to believe: the experts or a guy who wasn't an insurance salesman. https://t.co/JOIKovF7Hu
— grahamclark (@grahamclark) October 2, 2019
Congrats to Elizabeth Warren on rising so quickly in the polls she forced Jacob Wohl to write erotica about her. pic.twitter.com/w73YkrEbu2
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) October 3, 2019
If you like subpoena coladas / and getting caught in Ukraine https://t.co/RMsZTpXjfD
— Dave Brown (@dave_brown24) October 2, 2019
Just saw THE JOKER. Joaquin Phoenix's masterfully twisted performance will haunt me, particularly this scene: pic.twitter.com/tiiBpQXuNK
— Patrick Swanson (@patrickswanson) October 2, 2019
THE CYCLE:
— shauna (@goldengateblond) October 2, 2019
- deny galling thing
- yell FAKE NEWS! about galling thing
- admit galling thing
- pretend galling thing isn't galling https://t.co/LtnZNSoK1s
October 3
Can I imagine.... the CIA... interfering in a foreign election.... lol https://t.co/gKrZVaQCjy
— dead cameron (@dellcam) October 3, 2019
"He's probably out cheating right now🤬😡"
— sunrise (@waasabbi) October 3, 2019
Him: pic.twitter.com/m1cpQjoiwD
This punishment is not working... pic.twitter.com/Gky81iQA0q
— Mr. Meowgi (@Mr_Meowwwgi) October 3, 2019
At my Joker screening they were checking for guns on the way into the theater? And if you didn't have one, they provided you with one??? I was like ok that's kind of messed up
— limited breadsticks (@limitlessjest) October 4, 2019
dr phil has to go by "dr phil " because he's not allowed to go by "dr mcgraw" bc his clinical license was suspended. you may be wondering why i am tweeting this, seemingly out of nowhere. it's because i hate dr phil
— graveyard smash (@oldlinds) October 3, 2019
— George Conway (@gtconway3d) October 3, 2019
October 4
Dear @VP Mike Pence: Do you agree with yourself?#FridayMorning Thoughts https://t.co/i6yc77uetc
— Ted Lieu (@tedlieu) October 4, 2019
If you saw Joker and hated it you're an idiot. If you liked it, you're also an idiot. If you didn't see it you're still an idiot. Look you're an idiot I don't know how else to tell you.
— Robby Slowik (@RobbySlowik) October 4, 2019
Please clap pic.twitter.com/NJBVPX6Yyr
— Bryan Meneghost (@BryanDisagrees) October 4, 2019
😱 this club has everything... 🤭 https://t.co/1uiO7GGZrV
— |L I Z Z O| (@lizzo) October 4, 2019
i can't even wash my dang jeep
— Humor And Animals (@humorandanimals) October 4, 2019
(Brett Gerald FB) pic.twitter.com/HgQY2RFS21
McDonald's removed the mcrib from its menu so it could suck its own dick
— honest jabe (@jaynooch) October 4, 2019
Uh...an airline flight might not be best place to view this film...just sayin'. https://t.co/pjms9iiQiI
— Lou Diamond Phillips (@LouDPhillips) October 5, 2019
I'm a boomer comedian and i HATE my WIFE and KIDS use too much PHONE. KIDS use PHONE like WIFE eats BURGER. AND these KIDS hate reading BOOK as much as I HATE my WIFE. MY STUPID WIFE. i HATE my WIFE. My STUPID STUPID WIFE. AND KIDS be on TOO MUCH PHONE. I HATE WIFE and PHOEN
— Joey ⚡️ (@joeygllghr) October 4, 2019
The Four Treasons https://t.co/lKvz3kEdCT
— Bobby L. Rush (@RepBobbyRush) October 4, 2019